Tan through bikinis

and more.

Dear diary:

My main fixation this week has been on being down on myself which is super dumb. I mentioned the other week that my skin has been acting up, I have all this weird postpartum hair growth that sticks straight out of my head as if I’ve been electrocuted, my body is different, and the clothes I wear day to day are literally feral. I’m still in my old maternity leggings and stained t-shirts 6 out of 7 days. I just feel gross generally.

(I put makeup on to go out for dinner with a friend tonight, so that’s helped the morale)

Part of the problem is that I don’t have any staple presentable but casual clothes. My entire pre-baby wardrobe was nice dresses and skirts and they’re just not appropriate for the majority of my life now. I’ve never owned a tracksuit or a hoodie or anything that one might wear around the house. I got some maternity leggings in the last trimester of my pregnancy out of desperation, and I’ve just kept wearing them. The weather is getting cooler now and so my problem is even bigger as I also need an element of warmth.

What I need is some sort of every day, casual uniform. This phrase doesn’t feel like me at all, but I have learnt that there does have to be some letting go of the former self when you become a mum. That said, if you saw me around the shops in the past 9 months, no you didn’t. Ideally I want to slightly elevate from the level of literally looking like I’m wearing what I slept in. (Sometimes I was wearing what I slept in actually)

To begin this process I purchased a pair of pants from Obus (below). I thought they ticked the boxes because I can move around in them, they look comfortable, and they’ll be warm enough for around the house in winter.

I’ve been going into the office for my part time job one day a week which has been so nice. I love catching up with my coworkers and being in a different space. That’s been really good for me also to like be forced to put some effort into wearing a presentable outfit and putting on some makeup which makes me feel a bit more positive about myself. And I’ve been letting myself buy my lunch on that day which has been a surprising novelty. For anyone in Melbourne who likes sweet treats… the Miso Choc Chip Cookie from Mile End Bagels is like my ideal cookie. Gooey and so sweet your teeth kind of hurt.

In more positive news I’ve been asked by a new gallery to host a three day workshop in June. It’s quite far away (geographically), so I will have to stay in a hotel. I can’t tell you how good it made me feel to be asked to do something related to my art practice. But then I panicked and thought that I actually don’t think I could be away from Seren for 4 nights. So Simon, Seren and I are all going to go up and I’ll be working while Simon and Seren hang out. It will be it a bit more stressful, but we will drive up the day before and the day after I finish to hopefully mitigate that. It’s 3 hours away so mildly anxious about the car trip but we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. But judging by how quickly the weeks are going at the moment I’ll be at the bridge before I know it.

Thank you so much for the kindness and warmth on my breastfeeding newsletter from last week. I haven’t had a chance to get back to all the comments yet, but I will super soon. I also want to just reiterate that while I didn’t have an ideal experience, it really wasn’t that bad. I certainly don’t want to come across as complaining when I have a happy and healthy baby. It was just the sort of butterfly effect that I found so frustrating, when one small piece of advice can set you on a course you didn’t want to be on. And you’re so vulnerable and desperate so you do take a lot of advice and it may not be from the right people. A lot of people shared with me on social media that they had similar experiences and I thank you for trusting me with that information. I think it’s a very easy thing to have happen once you start introducing formula.